Christmas this year was wonderful. A really stark difference to last year. Last year I was in the grips of one of the worst depressions I’ve ever faced. I didn’t even make Christmas Day with the family. I stayed at home in bed wishing the pain would end. Things did pick up a little, but by the time New Year’s Eve came around, things were worse than ever. I remember seeing the clock strike midnight and crying myself to sleep. I have always loved New Year’s Eve, it was always a time of joy, hope and renewal. But last year all it did was fill me with dread. I was numb but also petrified. And I had little hope for the days ahead.
By the spring I was on a new medication and it was literally like a miracle. Everything got better; mood, anxiety and physical pain and fatigue.
It was not all plain sailing for the rest of the year but I did improve tothe point that I went on a wonderful family holiday to Spain. And in the autumn I had a weekend break with my girls. Both things I could not have managed in the past 2 years.
The late summer saw the depression worsen again even though I had felt so much better. Anxiety was raging and no matter what, it seemed relentless. I was having good days in between but overall I was still not well. Not well in the sense that I could face normal life. I dipped my toes in the water a few times, but it left me feeling worse and then reeling with disappointment.
Then there was the physical pain and fatigue. Things had improved so much with the new medication That for a while I thought I was out of the woods, I thought the fibromyalgia would go; In a similar way that depression had lifted in the past. But alas I was wrong. I now know that it’s not going to go. But the medication I now take certainly helps to eliviate some of the pain. So as far as I am concerned I can live with the physical pain and I can pace my life. But to have some relief mentally was the greatest gift.
My mood and anxiety took another turn for the worst again in the autumn and together with physical pain and fatigue I was not fit for much. Life was very quiet and simple. Just close family, the occasional outing and some minimal contact with friends. But thankfully with a small tweak to medication, by November I was feeling so much stronger and I was excited for Christmas. I did lots of the shopping for gifts and helped decorate the house(something I’d not been able to do for several years).
So whilst I’ve still had to pace myself, this years festivities were simply wonderful and I feel nothing but gratitude. To be present and taking part was just magical for me.
My family as always made it so special, especially my baby girl Bea. Her spirit just lifts me and all of us and seeing her excitement for Christmas was nothing short of priceless. I was spoilt with gorgeous gifts from family and friends. I spent time with people so important to me and I got to just be there, chatting, drinking, laughing, exchanging gifts and just enjoying being present.
By the time New Year’s Eve came around I had nothing but love and hope in my heart and determination for a good year. As the clock struck midnight I looked up to the heavens and said thank you. My heart was light and my soul joyful and thankful and for the first time in so long I was excited. I went to sleep happy in the faith that the universe had my back.
So as 2017 starts I already feel lighter. I feel that the pain of the last few years is further behind me. It’s not gone. But I try not to look back. Dwelling on what’s been does no good for anyone. What I know for sure is that I can never guarantee that I’m going to stay well. But at this moment life feels good. I feel blessed and excited for the future again.
It’s amazing how during this most difficult period I was writing for you and for me. I was cataloging my every up and down as well as sharing what I know for sure about these hideous illnesses. I guess it was meant to be that way, to share the dark path but to still be here, with a light now shining again. A light that hasn’t been there in I can’t remember how many years.
Moving forward I will continue to share wisdom on what works and what doesn’t, when you’re battling these demons. They have got me through this horrendous time. But also I want to share some somewhat mundane and normal stuff as I move into the next chapter of my life. So you may find me just telling you I had a good day with friends, or I’ve been shopping. Just plain old every day life, that to me now is so precious.
Who knows where this road will take me. But I do hope you stick around for the ride.
I hope you are all well my loves. If not, have faith. It truly is THE most important thing you can do. In darkest hours, just know and believe that things will get better. So as long as you keep trying and keep putting one foot in front of the other, then you’re doing great. I believe that no matter how bad it gets, it always gets better. Somehow.
I look forward to sharing more love and ideas, advice and just plain old thoughts that come to me.
I want this to be my best year yet. And I want the same for you. Together we will get there.
Onwards my loves, always Kiki xox
” You are smart, you are kind, you are beautiful and you are important.”
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