Category Archives: Love

THOUGHTFUL SPOT// Who am I, again?

November 17, 2016

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Who am i? Who was I?

I’ve been feeling at a loss of late, to recognise myself. For as long as I can remember I was strong in my strength in knowing who and what I was; friends and family focused, career focused, life-loving socialite. But this past few years has given me a beating. And the person I always knew seems to have slowly disappeared. Continue reading

RESOLUTIONS // A new year

January 12, 2016

resolutions

This time of year is intrinsically associated with a fresh start. It is a time where many of us look to make changes to our lifestyle choices, our self care, our negative habits, basically ourselves.
What worries me about this is that when that clock strikes midnight on the 1st of January, there is an immediate pressure to be a better version of yourself than you were just a minute before. So in the blink of an eye we go from living as we have wanted to, over the most festive period of the year, to immediately wanting to remodel ourselves; body and soul. Continue reading

WELL-BEING TECHNIQUES // Letting go of the past

September 1, 2015

letting go of the past

 

The past is a funny thing. It has such power, even though it’s gone.

Where is it to you? Can you visualise it? Is it behind you? Is it alongside you? Is it in front of you? Are you still very much aware of your past? Do you see it for what it is; as something that is long gone. Or do you carry it with you to each new day, always remembering. Continue reading

WELL-BEING TECHNIQUES //  Acceptance

August 24, 2015

acceptance blog

 

Acceptance. A simple word. Easy in fact. Or so you would think.

Do you practice the art of acceptance in your life?

I have read so many books, articles, blogs that tell you that in order to move forward we must first accept. Accept where we are, how we are and who we are. It sounds simple enough. So why does it trouble me so?

Whilst on this journey to heal from anxiety, depression and physical limitations, I have always tried to accept my lot. I have tried not to fight it. To know that this is me, as I am. Right now.

The trouble is that by nature I’m a fighter. I love nothing more than a challenge. So when I am told that I have these limitations on me, my inner lion roars and I get set to fight. Whether it be medication, nutrition, exercise, diet, self-help techniques or alternative therapies. I try and have tried everything.

Now the question is, has it worked, all this fighting?

Well hand on heart, I believe it has. To a point. But has it cured me? No! And this is where I get frustrated. It is not in my nature to take things lying down. It is not in my nature to accept that this is all it will be. But in this lack of acceptance, am I generating further pain and conflict?

I know many who have been given a diagnosis and that is it. They have accepted it. Made adjustments accordingly and live their life with it. Albeit in a restricted way. Is this a better path? Would I do better to be the same? To stop fighting?

Maybe that is the right path. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe there is no right or wrong. Maybe it just depends on the person. Everyone copes in different ways. Each person is different, we know this.

So how do I, and you, learn to accept our situation? Whilst all the while trying to improve, where you can, but not to the detriment of our overall health.

The starting point is to take away expectations. If you do not have high expectations then I guess you cannot be disappointed. Expectations are a way of hoping and assuming that things will be better in the future. I have ALWAYS had them. But there are no guarantees. Sometimes those expectations smack you in the face when nothing works out as you hoped. So if you take away the high expectation of yourself, your recovery, your life, then maybe we can find comfort in just being. As it is.

I desperately want to accept my anxiety. I want to accept that I am physically limited. But I struggle. Maybe I will never fully accept it. I have a fire in me. It’s this fire, that has kept me going for twenty years. Not in my bed, but out there living. Well, as much as I could anyway.

I know that there would be peace with acceptance. Acceptance is seeing it as it is, rather than as it should be. I know I had a vision for  my life. This is not it! But then in parts it is. So much of my life now, I love. I am more content than I have ever been. It’s from acceptance that the contentedness comes. I don’t have to worry about career goals at the moment. I don’t have to worry if I will get through a days work. I am free in many ways.

I do accept all my conditions. I always have. And I’m proud of my ability to have continued to live, work and socialise. But I know, that of late, the fight is wearing me out. And I’m already worn out!

So, this piece today is to mark a point for me, where I can really begin the art of acceptance. Where I let go of the ropes. Where I stop fighting every single part of my being. I am me. As I am. And right now I am struggling physically. I hope it won’t always be this way. But for now it is.

Do you accept your lot? Or do you fight it? Do you feel that life is passing you by? By continually searching for what you think you want and maybe what others have, you’re missing your life. Each moment, however insignificant, is your life, so make it count. 

Maybe we all need some peace where acceptance becomes our friend? I’ve proven to myself over the past two years, that the areas of my life that I accept, bring me the most joy. It’s funny but this is a true example of how the most simple things, bring the most pleasure. Somewhere over the rainbow doesn’t exist. You are right where you should be. 

In terms of anxiety. I know, through experience, that accepting the feelings and thoughts and attacks, actually lessens their power. It’s not easy when you’re in the midst of an attack in public. But by saying to yourself ‘hey, it’s just my anxiety. I will be fine’ Then you stop the fight. You accept. You move on. The anxiety passes.

Let’s all practice more acceptance in our lives. To know that what is, is as it should be. For now. For however long. It doesn’t really matter. It’s about seeing it as it is. Not as how you ‘think‘ it should be.

Acceptance is freeing. It’s peaceful. It is at the core of all zen practice.

So I ask you to accept all parts of yourself. Just as you are. With whatever limitations are set on you right now, or however your life is not panning out exactly as you had planned. Let go of the expectation and see it as it is. Enjoy it. Live in the now. Make plans to do things that you can do. Make plans to pace your life or adjust your life to get the most fulfillment you can get, with what you have. I’m going to do the exact same. Time wasted on wishing for things that are just not going to happen, is futile. It will make us feel bad and wear us out. So we will see it as it is and see the good in it. Even try to like it!

Working to improve your situation is always good in my book. I don’t know any other way to be honest. But having high expectations that are followed by a fall, is not good for the soul.

As with everything. Maybe it’s about moderation?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Onwards my loves. Kiki xo

Love – Daily affirmations

June 30, 2015

 

Affirmations june 2015

Do you find yourself playing a negative self talk record to yourself on a daily basis? Do you relate to thoughts such as ‘I’m so useless’ ‘I’m so fat’ ‘I’m so stupid’ ‘I wish I could achieve more’. If you do, then you’re not alone. I think most of the population can relate.

In today’s society where media and social media show us images of what perfection is supposed to look like, most if us feel we don’t meet the bar, that we can’t compare and we don’t come up to standard. That our bodies, our lives, our families are just not what they ‘should’ be.

The habit of negative self-talk is predominantly worse in females than it is males. There is no evidence as to why this is. It just is. Us women are pretty hard on ourselves and rarely give ourselves a break or a pat on the back for all that we DO achieve and all that we ARE.

Most of us have a constant record playing. Usually of negative and cruel jibes about ourselves.

If you really look at this habit we have got into, you would say – why do we talk to ourselves in this way? I often think to myself. Would I say these things, that I say to myself, to a good friend? Never! I would never be so cruel. But somehow it’s OK to say it to ourselves.

So again, on my quest for enlightenment, another tool I have learnt is daily affirmations.

Affirmations are about affirming strong statements and beliefs about yourself to yourself. And repeating them so often that you start to believe them. The word affirmation comes from the Latin affirmare, originally meaning “to make steady, strengthen.” They say that you are what you think. So if you start to think good thoughts about yourself, good things will happen. You can literally rewire your brain. Exercising it to think only good thoughts and changing your opinion of yourself in a radical way.

If we are what we think, then it’s so important to be watchful of your self-talk. Negative thoughts create negative feelings and negative outcomes. So switching the thoughts to strong, powerful and loving thoughts, can have a huge impact on you and your life. The art of speaking what we want, is key in seeing it happen.

There are a million affirmations to choose from. A few examples are:

  • My body is healthy; my mind is brilliant; my soul is tranquil.
  • I am smart, I am kind, I am beautiful, and I am important.
  • I am loving and I am loved.
  • I am strong, I am brave, I am blessed.

Others can be more specific. If there is an area of your life that you feel is lacking then you can concentrate the affirmation towards that. This literally projects what you want, instead of constantly vocalising what you don’t want. For example, if you are single, you can affirm something like: ‘ I am happy and loved where I am, the right relationship is coming to me at the right time’.

You can find any words that really resonate with you. If there are certain areas of your life where you lack confidence or you feel you don’t meet your own high standards then create an affirmation that is simple, that you will remember and repeat it to yourself all day every day and whenever you remember.

This life changing skill, will bring such peace and love to your life. You will start to see who you really are, that you are amazing, and skilled and beautiful. Instead of always having such a downer on yourself,

Along the same lines is mirror image work. You look at yourself in the mirror. Really look into your own eyes and say ‘I love you’. You have to feel it and you have to mean it. This is a tough one. When I first started it I found it really difficult and embarrassing! I certainly didn’t believe it at first. But I’ve kept at it. And although I doubt i’ll ever be a complete self lover. I do love myself more than ever before.

We only have one life. Wasting your time saying awful things to yourself is basically ridiculous. But we are all guilty of it.

So from now on try and say your affirmation to yourself as often as you can. Write the affirmation on a sticky note and stick them everywhere! In the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the car and at your desk. Create an affirmation board that you can keep in a place that you spend the most time. Really affirm to yourself how amazing you are!

Remember, always, how truly wonderful and special you are. Honor this uniqueness by saying loving things to yourself.

Chances are, if you’re reading this blog, you have dealt with a lot of mental and physical pain. So to me you are a warrior. Remember it and say it out loud! Over, and over again.

Onwards and upwards my loves, Kiki xo

Love – You are good enough

March 31, 2015

you are enough

You are good enough. Just as you are!

Let that sink in a moment.

Does that make you feel better? Me just saying this?

I remember reading it for the first time and thinking this was the most amazing thing to read. I instantly felt relieved. I didn’t know that for so long I had striven in every aspect of my life to be good enough. To be perfect and to please everyone. I criticised myself to the extreme when I failed to meet my own high expectations.

It was never instilled in me to be perfect. It was never a prerequisite to love. I was loved unconditionally. But as an intelligent child and a high achiever in most areas, somewhere along the line the message got muddled. I thought that to be loved, to be accepted, I had to be perfect. I had to achieve.

So I have striven for perfection in every aspect of my life. Perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect friend, perfect student, perfect employee. If I wasn’t the best then I would beat myself up.

But let me tell you. Living up to perfection is exhausting. It is not possible to maintain that level of perfection. It is not humanly possible to be perfect in every way. That is saved only for Mary Poppins.

Trying to be perfect or live up to high expectations puts pressure on you that is basically ridiculous.

I know. I was that person.

The truth is there will always be some time when we don’t live up to someone’s expectations. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make you less of a person. It doesn’t make you unloveable.

What’s more important though, is that we have to accept that we can’t always live up to our OWN high expectations of ourselves. These expectations are the most dangerous. This is when we berate ourselves unjustly and unfairly.

The pressure you put on yourself to be better, is a sure route to anxiety and stress. If you think about it you are subconsciously driving for perfection wherever you go for fear of not being good enough. For fear of failing. For fear of not being liked or not being loved. When you look at it now, you see that all of these things are bound up by some sort of fear.

There will always be judgement. Everyone has an opinion. Someone will always think you’re not smart enough, or pretty enough or tough enough. And that’s ok. They are entitled to their opinion. It’s how we react that matters. It’s the opinion we hold of ourselves that is THE most important. We must have a higher opinion of ourselves. We must accept that we are good enough even if we are flawed. Even if sometimes we are not perfect or we don’t meet these high expectations

So just be who you are. You are just fine just as you are. You do not need to try so hard. Those that love you, love you anyway. Those that don’t love you, probably never did. It is their choice. It is not for you to be trying to change their mind by trying so hard to please them.

I once read an article about a girl sitting watching the ducks and swans on the lake. She had a decision to make on whether to continue her study as an actress where she was judged harshly every day, or take up a new career with less focus on criticism. Whilst she watched the ducks she realised in that moment that she wanted to be a duck. Not a care in the world, never worrying what others thought, never comparing itself to the swans. The duck just was, in all its ordinariness and clumsiness. And in that moment she decided that was how she wanted to be. Care free. Without care for the judgement of others. And no further judgement on herself.

I found this article hugely uplifting. I wanted to be a duck too. And so I have become a duck. I no longer aim to please everyone – that aim was just too high. I no longer try to be perfect. Today I still do my best, but I no longer worry unnecessarily what others think. And I no longer worry that if I don’t meet expectations, that I won’t be loved. I know, to those who are important, I am loved anyway.

I am enough. Just as I am. This has given me immeasurable freedom and peace of mind. I am free to just be me, as I am. No pressure. And I no longer criticise myself. I accept who I am, just as I am.

So when the critical thoughts come. When you didn’t meet perfection. Remember the duck. He doesn’t strive to be perfect. He is who he is. And that’s enough. And so are you.

Let me know your thoughts.

Onwards and upwards my loves.

Kiki xxx