Category Archives: Depression and Anxiety

DEPRESSION// A room with a view. 

March 17, 2017

I’m wearing the Boden Tilly Jumper 

How do you keep going when the dark night rages against you? How do you stay positive? How do you keep your momentum? How do you not give up and go home?

When you have battled the hell that is the fear of your own mind, and you come through and come back to some semblance of yourself, you realize something; you realize that even after the terror and fear and hopelessness and despair, that it actually doesn’t last forever. You realise that an end does come. And when the light comes, you love that light with every part of your body and soul. And you see life in a whole new light. You see beauty where you didn’t see it before. You are grateful for the most insignificant things, like reading or watching tv. For sun filled days and cold crisp mornings. For family that never left your side. For enjoying a meal and savouring food again. For really hearing a baby laugh. For your own smile

When the darkness has gripped you so tight that almost all your light had been rung out, you genuinely thank God for the air you breathe. For if nothing else that this despicable beast does, it humbles you. It softens you and it makes you more grateful than ever. 

It’s only when you’ve walked that dark path, can you know the room with a view is at the end of a long corridor. And it is in knowing that that light will come, that you keep walking in the darkness. You keep putting one foot in front of the other. You keep functioning as well as you can. Just because you know it’s a waiting game. Yes, there are things you can do to help the process along, but it’s the faithful knowledge that it will come to an end, that is the most powerful thing. 

Life throws at us dark and long corridors. To each his own. It could be depression. It could be stressful life events. It could be illness. Whatever it is that darkens our door, is our own cross to bear. But I want to assure you. It will not last. The pain will not last. It may change. It may change you. You may learn new ways to cope. But by whatever means, the universe will bring you to a room with a view. And you will once again be able to enjoy the light and enjoy the view. 

What I know for sure is this: life is tough. Real rough at times. But nothing lasts forever. In the end there will always be something that breaks the darkness. And you will smile. And when you know you are at the end of that corridor you will give the biggest sigh of relief. You will bask in the light. 

When you reach the room with a view, you won’t be the same. The journey will have changed you. But one thing I know for sure is this: it will have given you the most priceless gift – the knowledge of your own strength. For it is in this knowledge that you will face any adversity that life can throw at you. Because you survived. You are a survivor. And armed with this strength, any manner of beasts can show up at your door, it doesn’t matter, because you will KNOW that the light always comes to you. And you will know that you have the strength to take on the darkest of corridors. And again when you have walked the darkness you will be led again, right up to your room with a view. 

When you get there, bask in the light. It’s yours for the taking and one thing I know for sure, you earned it. 

Onwards my loves, Kiki xox

THOUGHTFUL SPOT// Will the black dog please shut up! 

February 2, 2017

I’m wearing the Boden Tilly Jumper. 

Hey my loves. Sorry for distinct lack of posts. My plan of posting more chatty and regular posts has gone by the wayside again this past week. 

Ive been doing fantastic (well fantastic in my chronic illness/depressive world). Life is definitely starting to feel more normal again. Since the new year things have been much brighter and I’m definitely more perky. 

I had a weekend away with friends the weekend before last. We stayed in a fantastic rustic lodge close to home in South Wales. But even though it was close to home it could not have felt more removed. It was like being in a remote valley of tranquility. It was isolated, peaceful and absolutely stunningly beautiful. I felt totally relaxed by the surroundings and the wonderful company of dear friends. 

I had a wonderful time and even though I had had reservations about my stamina, I kept up and enjoyed just being away from home, in luxurious surroundings with beautiful people. 

I got home and felt proud that I’d managed to get there and that even though I’m managing a number of conditions at the moment, I can still be Kate and still laugh and feel part of the group, as I ever did. Even if I’m in bed at a reasonable hour these days and not watching the sun come up. 

When I got home, I was in need of a recharge. My body had kept up with the frivolities but as ever I had to pay back. Which was fine. I’ve been busy planning some blog projects so I have happily kept busy writing, whilst in bed resting. 

The weekend came and the pain was bad. Every inch of me was hurting. The family were going to a show, but I was not strong enough to sit through it. But rather than miss out completely, I met them for dinner after the show. We had a wonderful time. I was glammed up and fully present. It was fab food and great company. 

This week the fatigue has hit badly. I pretty much slept for 48 hours at the start of the week. I then got a water infection and could feel the mood falling. I took every measure to stop it in its tracks, but the past few days the black dog has been howling at me. But I refuse to listen. Thankfully this evening I’m much brighter again. 

This is life when your brain chemicals have a party of their own. So I just rode it out. Gave myself some much needed tlc, ate well and took my supplements. Hopefully the bark will sod off now for a while. 

On the whole, apart from this small blip life is good. I’m happy in my small and quiet life of reading, cups of tea, writing, meditation and family. It is enough. 

I’m still really hopeful for this year to bring changes. I’m more focused than ever on my writing and I’m making plans. Something that was non existent this time last year. So as always I’m grateful for my small and happy world. 

I hope all of you are doing well. If the black dog is barking at you right now then I feel you. Remember to take good care of yourself and always remember that the dog only barks for so long. 

If you’re struggling then check out all my tips and advice on depression and anxiety. 
Onwards my loves. Kiki xox  

THOUGHTFUL SPOT//Baby Steps – Pass the make-up bag. 

January 12, 2017

It’s all about the baby steps. I’ve had a good couple of weeks overall. I have been up and dressed with makeup on every day! I’ve been around the house helping with chores and even contributing to our never ending food purchase, preparation, and cooking conveyer belt, that we have all grown to love so much with healthier living. And I’ve been doing this pretty consistently for the past few weeks. Now, this may not seem like a lot to shout out about, but when you have lived life with depression, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, then being part of such seemingly small things, is certainly nothing to scoff at. Continue reading

THOUGHTFUL SPOT// Who am I, again?

November 17, 2016


Who am i? Who was I?

I’ve been feeling at a loss of late, to recognise myself. For as long as I can remember I was strong in my strength in knowing who and what I was; friends and family focused, career focused, life-loving socialite. But this past few years has given me a beating. And the person I always knew seems to have slowly disappeared. Continue reading

THOUGHTFUL SPOT// New pencils. 

August 31, 2016

As the summer draws to a close I’m reminded that Autumn is just around the corner.

Autumn is my favourite time of year. September brings with it so many good feelings. So many amazing memories. I’m reminded of days when going back to school was so exciting; new pencils and paper to be bought and seeing your friends again after weeks of long summer days of freedom. Back to a routine and familiarity. It’s also a time that brings me to a place of fresh starts; new beginnings. Maybe it’s associated with a new school year and a new term? I’m not sure why. I guess I should really feel like that in the new year, but I never do. I always feel this way in September. It’s my birthday too this month, which has always been a happy time. September is my month. Continue reading

THOUGHTFUL SPOT // The Lines on my Face

August 17, 2016

Sometimes the lines around my eyes look deeper, the dark circles like black pools. The forehead is furrowed. Sometimes the slump of my shoulders show my ache. The ache from the weight.
It’s not important that the face has changed. But it is a reminder. A reminder that even pain of the soul can take its toll. Pain of the body is so obvious to see. But pain of the soul is more subtle. But it’s there nonetheless. Continue reading