Monthly Archives: March 2015

Love – You are good enough

March 31, 2015

you are enough

You are good enough. Just as you are!

Let that sink in a moment.

Does that make you feel better? Me just saying this?

I remember reading it for the first time and thinking this was the most amazing thing to read. I instantly felt relieved. I didn’t know that for so long I had striven in every aspect of my life to be good enough. To be perfect and to please everyone. I criticised myself to the extreme when I failed to meet my own high expectations.

It was never instilled in me to be perfect. It was never a prerequisite to love. I was loved unconditionally. But as an intelligent child and a high achiever in most areas, somewhere along the line the message got muddled. I thought that to be loved, to be accepted, I had to be perfect. I had to achieve.

So I have striven for perfection in every aspect of my life. Perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect friend, perfect student, perfect employee. If I wasn’t the best then I would beat myself up.

But let me tell you. Living up to perfection is exhausting. It is not possible to maintain that level of perfection. It is not humanly possible to be perfect in every way. That is saved only for Mary Poppins.

Trying to be perfect or live up to high expectations puts pressure on you that is basically ridiculous.

I know. I was that person.

The truth is there will always be some time when we don’t live up to someone’s expectations. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make you less of a person. It doesn’t make you unloveable.

What’s more important though, is that we have to accept that we can’t always live up to our OWN high expectations of ourselves. These expectations are the most dangerous. This is when we berate ourselves unjustly and unfairly.

The pressure you put on yourself to be better, is a sure route to anxiety and stress. If you think about it you are subconsciously driving for perfection wherever you go for fear of not being good enough. For fear of failing. For fear of not being liked or not being loved. When you look at it now, you see that all of these things are bound up by some sort of fear.

There will always be judgement. Everyone has an opinion. Someone will always think you’re not smart enough, or pretty enough or tough enough. And that’s ok. They are entitled to their opinion. It’s how we react that matters. It’s the opinion we hold of ourselves that is THE most important. We must have a higher opinion of ourselves. We must accept that we are good enough even if we are flawed. Even if sometimes we are not perfect or we don’t meet these high expectations

So just be who you are. You are just fine just as you are. You do not need to try so hard. Those that love you, love you anyway. Those that don’t love you, probably never did. It is their choice. It is not for you to be trying to change their mind by trying so hard to please them.

I once read an article about a girl sitting watching the ducks and swans on the lake. She had a decision to make on whether to continue her study as an actress where she was judged harshly every day, or take up a new career with less focus on criticism. Whilst she watched the ducks she realised in that moment that she wanted to be a duck. Not a care in the world, never worrying what others thought, never comparing itself to the swans. The duck just was, in all its ordinariness and clumsiness. And in that moment she decided that was how she wanted to be. Care free. Without care for the judgement of others. And no further judgement on herself.

I found this article hugely uplifting. I wanted to be a duck too. And so I have become a duck. I no longer aim to please everyone – that aim was just too high. I no longer try to be perfect. Today I still do my best, but I no longer worry unnecessarily what others think. And I no longer worry that if I don’t meet expectations, that I won’t be loved. I know, to those who are important, I am loved anyway.

I am enough. Just as I am. This has given me immeasurable freedom and peace of mind. I am free to just be me, as I am. No pressure. And I no longer criticise myself. I accept who I am, just as I am.

So when the critical thoughts come. When you didn’t meet perfection. Remember the duck. He doesn’t strive to be perfect. He is who he is. And that’s enough. And so are you.

Let me know your thoughts.

Onwards and upwards my loves.

Kiki xxx

Techniques- Let’s pretend

March 24, 2015

lets pretend wear a different mask image

Let’s play let’s pretend. Do you remember that as a child. Pretending to be someone else, usually a grown up or a doctor or teacher. It was a game that offered hours of fun pretending to be someone else. Playing make believe.

Now I’ve dabbled with acting over the years. But what we are talking about here today is about wearing a different hat for a few hours. Putting a smile on. About pretending you are ok when in fact inside, you feel like crap or like a bag of Jelly.

Over the years, having lived as a depressive and anxiety sufferer, it was always hard for me to show the world my true self when I was depressed or anxious. My self at my very worst and most vulnerable. This has generally only been seen by those closest to me. Historically, if I’m in a bad way I tend to pull back from socialising and mixing with others until I’m strong enough to face everyone again, with a smile. That’s the way I like to do it. Thats my coping mechanism.

I may be a depressive but I’m actually a pretty happy person. I don’t actually like to bring down the mood of a friend or situation. So when the time is right and I’m somewhere between heaven and hell, I wear my ‘I’m fine‘ hat. A bit like Worzel Gummidge. I change heads. To the Kiki that I really am. The KIki who isn’t depressed or anxious. I pretend.

Now you may think this seems crazy or far fetched. The truth is many people use this technique every day. It is a rare thing to see the open and naked truth of a person every day. We all use little techniques to get through.

Over the years when I’m wearing the ‘I’m fine’ hat. Or that smile. I’m pretending I’m ok. And what I’ve found over the years, is that if you pretend for long enough, some of it becomes reality. I pretend I’m ok. So I am ok. The make believe becomes a reality.

What this does again, is change your focus. Rather than being consumed inside your head thinking all the negative thoughts and preempting every possible anxious situation, you pretend that you’re ok. The person you are at your best. Or the best version of yourself. You pretend all is well. You pretend what ever makes you feel strong and happy.

Its about giving yourself a break from the reality of what’s really going on inside. If you can pretend for a few hours that you’re doing ok. You might actually find that you start to feel ok. That you gain some strength and momentum that actually spurs on the next stage of recovery. To actually be ok.

It’s not about misleading anybody. It’s about giving you strength. Taking care of your battered heart and soul. Not everyone wants to bear their raw soul. And to be honest, in my experience most people don’t want to see it. They have enough of their own soul to deal with. And that is fine. It’s your soul, so treat it with kid gloves. It’s faking it ’til you’re making it. It’s About tricking your own mind into thinking that you’re just fine even if you’re not.

So the next time you’re low or anxious try taking some deep breaths and tell yourself the words ‘I’m fine’ and although it may be the furthest thing from the truth it actually changes how you feel. Your body relaxes, tension releases.

Another way to instantly improve your mood is to smile. By smiling you release happy chemicals. You cannot be anxious if you’re smiling! So smile away. Pretend you’re fine. If nothing else it buys you time to work on being fine. Fake it whilst you make it. And I promise that there will come a day where you don’t have to pretend any more. You will be fine. You will make it!

Let me know your thoughts. Love and hugs, Kiki xxx

Techniques – Worry Time

March 20, 2015

worry-not

 

What is worry? It’s a pain in the butt is what it is! It has your head spinning, you go back and forth with the same thoughts or a million of them. You feel out of sorts, you can’t relax properly.Your whole being is caught up in your mind. You can’t concentrate, your mind is always somewhere else. It is exhausting.

Unfortunately, worry is part of the human condition. We all spend a lot of our time dwelling on the past and the things we should have done differently. And the future what if’s? And things that are happening in our lives right now, like health, money, family, work.

Maslow, a theorist, believed that in today’s Western world, where our fundamental human basic needs are met, (by that I mean, food, shelter, water etc.) that we have turned our worries to other not so life dependent worries. Basically, because we HAVE to worry about something. So when food, water and shelter are all pretty much covered, we find other things to worry about.

I’m sure you can relate. Whether you are anxiety sufferer or not, everyone has their worries.

The problem is that worries can take over your life. This then has a truly negative impact on your present day. It takes the joy of the moment away, as we ruminate over the small stuff, and sometimes big stuff.

No matter what your worries are, they are undeniably troublesome.

For me as an anxiety and depression sufferer, my worries will quite often revolve around my health and well-being and how I am doing. But I will also worry about the most ridiculous things such as ‘Did I sound rude when I answered that text?’ or ‘I hope I didn’t offend someone?’. Its the small stuff that takes up alot of my mental ‘space’. The big stuff is a worry too but it’s the stupid little things that drain me.

I’ve learnt a few tricks along the way to help alleviate some of the worries. First is thought stopping. Then I try really hard not to over-think. I will discuss this as a technique in an upcoming post.

One of the best tools I found for troublesome worries is to allow yourself a set amount of time each day to worry. This is your ‘Worry Time‘. The aim here is to train your mind to not think and dwell on your worries at any other time of the day outside of your ‘Worry Time’. Now its up to you when your ‘Worry Time’ is. I would suggest that it shouldn’t be before bed. Bed time is a time when you should be winding down. I would set your ‘Worry Time’ for maybe mid afternoon or after dinner. You can allow yourself as much time as you need to a maximum of 45 mins. In this time you are allowed to think, analyse, ruminate over everything you need to worry about. But once the ‘Worry Time’ is up you stop. You then say to yourself for the rest of that day and for the start of the next that any worry that comes to you, you will write it down in a note book and think about it later in your ‘Worry Time’.

What this does, is first get you to write down the worry. Sometimes this is enough for you to realise its not worth the worry as you may realise its irrational. But if not, keep adding to your list all day as and when any troublesome thoughts come. When they come say to yourself ‘I will not think about this now, I will think about it later in ‘Worry Time”.

When you get to ‘Worry Time’, you take out your list. You look at the list with a fresh eye and decide which things are still bothering you and what you want to give serious attention. You will likely find that many of the worries from this morning, are no longer relevant. Or you may have worked a few things out. Hopefully, when you get to ‘Worry Time’ you wont have too much to worry about. But if you do, do it and do it intently as a means of trying to really work it out.

Some worries will never be resolved. Some worries are very serious and you can accept that these may be on your mind for some time until the sitution is resolved. Those things that you can do something about, then do it! If you are worried about a conversation you had and you felt you were out of line, then say sorry. Don’t avoid the worries. Take action on the things you can and resolve to forget the things that are beyond your control.

The key here is you are training your mind to not think of the worries constantly throughout your day. You allow them to float away as you are not allowed to think of them. And then, when ‘Worry Time’ comes, you will find that some of the things were not so much of a problem as you thought earlier that day.

In summary

  • Get a notebook
  • Decide on your worry time and how long it will be.
  • When a worry comes outside of worry time, jot it down. Tell yourself you will NOT think about it right now. You will POSTPONE the worry.
  • When worry time comes, take out your note book and address the worries.
  • Once worry time is up. Close the book until tomorrow.

Worrying it seems, gives us a sense of control. Particularly in anxiety sufferers. You think that if you worry about something enough, you will get the magic answer, and the anxiety will go away. Sometimes this happens. But most of the time it doesn’t. The truth is, worrying about something rarely solves the problem. Living in the present moment with all your skills and talents, will likely resolve any issue that will present itself to you. Worry gives you a sense of control in a mad world. But its a crutch really. Once you realise that worrying achieves nothing, you will start to reap the benefits of not thinking so much, not being caught up in your mind all the time and this gives a freedom that is immeasurable.

I really hope you find this helpful. Its a simple trick, but by postponing worry, you actually avoid it and give yourself space and freedom to deal with the present moment without distractions.

Good Luck. Let me know how you get on.

Love and hugs K xxx

Make-up for Kiki – Base Edit

March 16, 2015

I often get asked what Make-up I’m using. I like to think that it’s years of practice and an eye for detail that make the difference. Or that it is maybe the care I take of my skin. Or it’s the good products that I use. But the truth is it’s a combination of all those things.

BITD kiki makeup kit march 2015 pic 4

 

As I have previously said, Make-up has been a lifelong passion. I have always been in awe of the way Make-up can literally transform a person. I believed as a young person that Make-up could give me the confidence I needed to go about my life. My mum had always worn Make-up, and all the strong women in my life also wore Make-up. Whether it was lashings of navy mascara, Max Factor Crème Puff, or an orange lip.

My mum always said that she believed we should make the best of ourselves and what we have. It was by no means meant to be false advertising. It was and is about enhancing our own good points and making them shine, giving you the confidence to be the best possible version of yourself.

I have always favoured a strong eye over a bold lip.  I am naturally fair-skinned. I have bluey/green eyes. I was not blessed with dark hair, so my eyelashes and eyebrows are really fair too. This generally means that they are non-existent without some enhancement. I learnt early on that several coats of mascara made all the difference to my eyes. Some concealer to hide the naturally-occurring dark circles, also helped make my eyes shine.

I am a strong believer that Make-up is fun. It is not serious. It’s about trying new things and seeing what works for you. It’s about taking inspiration from the great beauty icons of the past like Monroe, Hepburn and Taylor. Or the funky beauties of today. It’s about finding a fit for you that makes you feel strong, sexy and confident. Make-up has the power to change you.

Anyone close to me, my best friends in particular, will attest to my passion for Make-up. I was always the friend who spent hours getting all the girls ‘glammed’ up before I finally did my own Make-up. I have always loved seeing the transformation and the happy smile on the face of my friends when they saw their new ‘look’ for the first time.

So I guess you’re all wondering what make up I use? Well if I were to sit here with the full collection on show, you would probably be a bit shocked. There is a lot. But I justify it as my hobby and my passion. What I will do here is my current Make-up edit. It will be in 2 parts: prime, Base and Blush and in next weeks installment we will talk about Eyes, Eyebrows and lips.

On a side note, its important to mention that I also prime my skin with cleansing, toning and moistursing. We will look at this in a skincare edit coming soon.

Primer

These days if I am going out, I will always use a primer. It holds the make up in place for hours and can easily refine your skin before you apply your foundation. If you get hot or oily, a primer has the power to lock in the foundation so that you don’t become a greasy mess. I have used Benefit Porefessional for a while which is a dryer texture almost silicone and covers pores very well and locks in make-up. At the moment I am using L’Oreal Lumi Magique. This primer is lovely. It has a high level of luminosity, so even if your skin is feeling sallow or dull, a sweep of this and you will have a glow to be envied.

makeupkit face march 2015 012

Foundation

Over the years I have tried everything from tinted moisturisers, mineral powder foundations to bog standard foundation. It really depends how your skin is without Make-up. If you have good skin, then you will likely only need a tinted moisturiser with maybe a touch of concealer.

If your skin is oily, then you need a primer first and then a foundation that is not too oily, something that matifies the skin. If your skin is older, then it should be all about the glow and the youthful look, so you are looking for ‘luminous’ or ‘moisturising’ foundations.

SPF is good if you are outdoors, but it doesn’t photograph well, you will often get a white cast, so if you are on a night out, opt for something that doesn’t have the SPF in it.

makeupkit face march 2015 013

My skin is pretty good and has a natural glow. But I suffer a lot of redness across my cheeks. So I usually opt for a lighter foundation, my current favourite is Mac Face and Body C3. It’s a really light foundation that is glowy and can be built up in layers. I apply this all over the face and down the neck with a damp Real Techniques Miracle Complexion Sponge. The sponge makes for a lighter application so that the Make-up is not heavy or cakey. For more coverage and still a dewy finish then I would highly recommend the Laura Mercier Silk Creme Foundation. I use the shade  ‘Cashew Beige’. I love that it can be worked into the skin with a buffing brush or with your fingers and gives a beautiful healthy skin-like finish.

Then I go in with concealer where I need it.

Concealer

I have a lot of concealers. My personal opinion is if nothing else, everyone should have concealer. For dark circles, redness or blemishes. This together with a coat of mascara and a lip gloss and you can be out the door.

I have naturally dark circles around the eyes and redness across the cheeks and around the nose. Some of this is due to the medications I take and the dark rings will always be worse if I’m run down or tired from the fibromyalgia. So for this I am currently using Clarins Instant Concealer. It applies beautifully. Its light and moisturising so it doesn’t settle into fine lines around the eye. I apply with my finger and the Real Techniques setting brush. It’s also great on blemishes and redness and can be built up.

makeupkit face march 2015 014

A really good dupe for this is the Rimmel Wake-me-up concealer. It’s a lovely formula that instantly brightens the dull under eye area and can be used on blemishes and redness too.

Highlighting pens

These really came into being with the launch of Yves Saint Laurent’s ‘Touche Eclait which was my favourite for many years. But all the drugstore make-up ranges now have their own version. My favourite is Maybelline Dream Lumi in 01 Ivory. I use the pen as my last step to highlight under the eye again to reflect light and also on the brow bone, down the nose and on the highest points of the cheek.

Blush

Now blush is a hugely important step for most skin tones. I have never spent too much money on blush as I have a naturally high colouring. But a lot of people do not have this flush of colour, so blush is a definite must-have to make you look healthy and glowy.

makeupkit face march 2015 015makeupkit face march 2015 016

Powder blushers are lovely. My favourite is Nars Gigi.But if you want something more drug store priced, the Sleek. blushes are amazing and can be picked up in Superdrug for a fraction of the price. They have a fantastic colour range. I have the colour Rose Gold 926, which has been compared many times to Nars Orgasm. For blush brushes you can’t go wrong with the Real Techniques Blush Brush which is really high quality and does an amazing job.

makeupkit face march 2015 018

There are now a lot of cream blushers too. I tend to favour this now that my skin is older as they add that glow that I keep mentioning. I have used the Clinique Chubby stick in Robust Rhubarb which is lovely (but mother stole this). So my current favourite is the Max Factor Miracle touch cream blush in Soft Copper. This suits my skin tone and adds colour together with a dewyness. I apply it with the Real Techniques stippling brush.

For younger skins you can use cream or powder, but if you are over 40 my recommendation would be a cream product. There are hundreds out there, just find a colour you like.

Bronzer

Bronzer has always been one of my favourite steps. I have used it as long as I can remember. Back in the day the first bronzer we all used was ‘Le Glow. It is still around today and is still just as good as ever. I have friends who swear by it.

Bronzer gives an all over healthy glow, like you have been subtly touched by the sun. It can also be used to contour the cheeks, nose and forehead. I tend to go for an all over application to give myself some warmth. It goes well with my freckles.

makeupkit face march 2015 019

My favourite is Nars Bronzer in Laguna, and has been for some time. But again, all drug store brands offer their own. Another favourite is the Soap and Glory Solar Powder. It’s a beautifully soft powder that gives an instant glow.

Powder

I was never a powder wearer to be honest. But as my skin has now become oily in places, particularly in the T-zone of the face, I always finish with a powder. My current favourite is Chanel Les Beiges Healthy Glow Sheer Powder in No 30. This is a new generation of powder that takes away shine but adds glow. In the drug store, a favourite with many beauty bloggers is the Boujois Healthy Balance powder. You can opt for a translucent with no colour or you can use a colour more suitable for your skin tone.

makeupkit face march 2015 020

Sweep the powder with a powder brush, like the Real Techniques Powder Brush, across the forehead, down the nose and on the chin. This takes away obvious shine. If you want to keep some glow, then avoid powdering the cheeks and let the blush shine through.

Highlight

As a last step for the face I finish off with a highlight. I apply this to the tops of the cheeks at the highest point, on the brown bone, down the nose and over the cupids bow of the lip.

I have two favourites. Both by Mac. For a powder highlight then Mac Mineralized Skin Finish in Soft and Gentle can’t be beaten for a soft, peachy golden hue of light. I would apply this with a smaller brush. Something like the Bobbi Brown Sheer Powder Brush.

makeupkit face march 2015 021

For older skins then a cream product is always recommended. My favourite is Mac Cream Colour Base in Hush. Again a beautiful soft glow of light with a creamy finish that looks completely natural.  I would apply this with my fingers and blend.

I hope you have found this interesting. I take ongoing inspiration from bloggers and their recommended products. And I’m always on the look out for a new buy that makes all the difference to your look.

Let me know what your favourites are in the comments. Hugs, Kiki xxxx

Depression – Gauge symptoms

March 10, 2015

gauge symptoms march 2015

 

This may seem an unusual one. But, during my darkest days my mum encouraged me to gauge each day and sometimes each moment on a scale of 1-10. I can assure you that at first I was a 10! But as days passed I may have had 10 minutes or an hour where the darkness and fear were not so bad. From this I could gauge myself as maybe a nine. This simple tool made all the difference to me, as it allowed me to see my progress, no matter how small. This progress gave me hope and strength to keep fighting on.

In the early days you feel you will never get through. The days are so long and every hour is like a lifetime. But when the light comes, even for the shortest time, you can see improvements. But unless you are gauging, you may miss these improvements and you will continue to feel overwhelmed. It will feel like nothing is getting better as the bad far outweighs the good. So keep checking in. The slightest improvement is so crucial and worth noting.

It’s so simple. But so effective. What is there worst you have ever felt? That’s a 10. Then Each day ask yourself. How am I today? Could it be you’re a nine. You may have had 10 minutes of freedom from your thoughts. This is positive. Then if one day is a little better than yesterday, then you may be an eight.

The key is to know that even though improvements may be minimal, they are still happening and without you realising this gives you hope and courage to carry on.

Remember your worst can’t get any worse. When you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up! So you can only improve. Over time you will notice little steps, improvements in your mood or less anxiety. On that day you might feel a seven.

Also. Depression is worse first thing in the morning. The minute you open your eyes it is there. But it does improve over the day. You will start to notice this.

I guess the point here is to change your focus. It is so overwhelming when you are so low and anxious. It’s easy not to see any improvements at all in the early days. You want to pull the duvet over your head as you don’t have the strength to fight. But if you change your focus, and notice moments of relief, then you can hold on to these moments as a good thing. As time passes I guarantee that your pain will diminish. By using the gauge in your mind, you will see the improvements. You will find that one morning, without you noticing, you didn’t need to ask yourself how you are. This means that you are definitely on the up!

It’s important to say here that gauging anxiety attacks is a different thing. You can be in the grips of an attack and be at a 10. But it can’t stay that way for long. Within minutes you may feel the anxiety easing and you can gauge this as it’s grip lessens. You may then be only an eight. Then a five. If you suffer both anxiety and depression it might be useful to have two gauges. One for how your mood is and one for your anxiety.

The hardest thing is that depression and anxiety take time to heal. You may have to wait for medication or therapy to start taking effect. Whilst you’re waiting keep gauging and let those moments of freedom give you hope. All will be well eventually. You are so brave for holding on. But it will be worth it.

Let me know your thoughts, Always Love, Kiki xxx

Depression/Anxiety -Time Travel

March 6, 2015

 

time travel quote image bitd

If you are depressed it is likely you are living in the past. If you are anxious, it is likely you are living too much in the future.

Try to live in the present. In real terms, all we have is the right NOW. The NOW soon becomes the past and with it you can harbor strong negative feelings which then influence your future. So if you live in the moment and don’t travel back and forth in time to the past or the future you will find more peace.

Have faith that you already have everything you need within you to equip you to face each present moment. Worrying about what is coming with ‘What if’?’s is only going to make you afraid of the future. You may think that given your past, you will always feel this way. But the truth is if you can live right now, then you are already influencing your future in a more positive way. When you live with ‘What if?’s you are making the present moment anxious and therefore in no time at all it becomes an anxious memory and so continues the vicious circle of anxiety.

Its not easy at first. Particularly if your mind is full of noise. But with practice it does become second nature. When you find your thoughts are time travelling, back and forth, remember to bring your attention back to the present moment. To the here and now. Focus on your breath, or a sound around you, something as simple as the clock ticking. Feel the life within you and take in all that’s around you. Breathe. Take little steps at first as It will feel strange. Just do bring yourself back as often as you can.

As you become more present you will see that you have everything within you that you need to face that moment and your confidence will increase.

Living in the past is futile and has a terrible drain on you emotionally and physically. There is NOTHING good that comes from it. Particularly reliving negative events. Happy memories are different, they fill the soul with joy. We all need to hold on to these thoughts and feelings. But looking back on bad things that have happened only makes you feel bad in the here and now. And the purpose for all of us is to live. No matter how bad things have been in the past. See it for what it is and then try to not focus on it.

In reality the past has gone. It no longer exists. Only in your mind. You only have now. As you become more present you will feel the hold of the past fall away. You will never forget, but it will no longer have the hold on you. It has no use to you if you want to move forward and live a fulfilling and peaceful life of well-being and balance.

With practice you will realise that in living each moment in the now, you are creating good memories. Moments that fill your heart with joy. When your mind wanders in the present, pull it back. The more present you are, the more joyous life becomes. Living too far ahead or too far in the past has no benefit.

I have ‘time traveled’ as long as I can remember. It had become a habit that I didn’t even know I had. But having read some incredible articles on being mindful I am learning that there is a peace to bringing yourself back to the here and now. I am still practicing daily but I am already seeing the benefits.

So live now, if you can. Enjoy the life force that pumps through you. Enjoy your loved ones, your family, your friends, your work and your hobbies. Let the noise in your head, that  wants to pull you back to the safety of thinking, go. I promise it will bring a peace that you may not have experienced before.

Please let me know your thoughts and comment below. Good luck. Huge hugs K xxx

Important Note

Please remember that this advice is generally more helpful as you come to terms with your anxiety and depression. I want to assure you, that at the very beginning, when anxiety consumes you, you may find it hard to do anything remotely like this. This is OK! You need time to adjust. You need time to come to terms with what is happening to you. Take the time to get medical assistance and educate yourself and as some sense of self returns, when you feel a little stronger, then please start to look at these techniques as help in your journey to recovery, K xxx